Finally autumn

Hi there! I haven't written in a while. I think my psychical condition is getting worse.  I thought that if I have a long holiday I can get better, but I was wrong. I feel depressed and I don't even know why. And I can't stand having panic attacks anymore. I thought about going to a therapist, but it's pretty expensive here and I can't really afford to do this for months. So I'm still searching on internet ways to get rid of this disorder.
So I started a mood journal. I heard it helps a lot to understand your feelings and the reasons behind them. I'm gonna let you know how my mood journal looks like.

First of all, I write the date (I'm gonna make myself to write on a daily basis). I write thrice a day: when I wake up, at lunch (2-4 hours after I wake up) and in the evening. I write how I fell, and some possible causes.
Secondly, I write about my sleep pattern. Sleep is very important. It can make your mood worse. I'm really conscious about this but I still don't get enough sleep. So I hope this journal will help me to make a sleep program. I write the hour I wake up at, and when I go to bed. I also write the amount of time I sleep, because I take naps during the day. That's it.

About my activity.... I actually went to the sea and it was pretty nice. So I drop here some photos :)
Now I'm continuing my parasitic life until I go to university. And yes, I'm officially a student and I hope, a future artist ^-^

Summer time

Hi people! I'm finally free!! (Almost free). I had my graduation and I finished my exams last Friday. I'm still waiting to see the results. I also want to burn all my books and notebooks. I know I can recycle them and make a good thing, but I really need to set them on fire. I think I'll feel better. It's like burning all the pain and useless work away. Still trying to change myself... I can say it was an extremely hard time. It was almost impossible to study. Due to my depression it was almost impossible to concentrate. I tried a lot to memorize all the essays and math formulas. I almost gave up. I started to cry, learned two more words, screamed, drank tea, learned two other words and so on. I had an "existential" crisis. It was about my future. I went through horrible pain. Whenever I'm in really bad mood, my chest hurts like hell. I get dizzy and the entire world spins around. I also feel like a metal bar is going through an ear, smash my brain and get out on the other ear. I also can't breath. It's like I'm suffocating with my own pain. I just feel like I'm loosing myself. It's really hard to get back. Then I just "fuck it" and go to sleep.

Even if I finished with my exams, I still have the admission to university. It scares me a lot. I hope it will be ok.

I started to work again. I'm a part-time waitress. I work at weddings. Yesterday I went back to the hotel (I've worked there last summer). It was exhausting. I went there on Saturday at 8 AM and I arrived home on Sunday at 8 AM. I fell asleep in the bus on my way home. I took a 5-min shower and I went to bed. I set my alarm at 12 PM but I didn't heard the phone ringing. So I slept until 4:30 PM. I'm still tired though. Anyway... I'm trying to earn some money to go to the sea. I need a break away from home. At least just a weekend.

I think it's done for the moment.
Alexi~

Dealing with depression

I know I haven't written in a while. I just didn't feel like writing on this blog. Unfortunately I found out that I have depression. How do I deal with it? I don't really do it...
Well... It's been a while since I realized. I started to have sleep problems. I sleep way too much during the day and I often wake up during the night. I also have nightmares. Sometimes I eat too much, sometimes I don't eat at all. I don't fell either sadness or happiness. There are moments when I think I loose control. I just feel despaired, I have panic attacks. And the worse part is that I lost interest in all things I used to love, like drawing or practicing martial arts.

But I can't stay like this forever, so I need to change somehow. I try everyday to make something that can ameliorate my low mood.
I started to keep a journal. Actually two. I have a Moleskine where I keep track of my activities and where I record my dreams. I also have a little notebook where I write how I feel. Just some ideas, three-four lines. It helps me to organize my thoughts.
I started some new activities that I enjoy. Yesterday I went to Zen meditation :)
I try to comfort myself. I drink tea, I read, I watch a good movie.

I just stay and wait, hoping that someday I'll be alright.

To say how I feel, I'll leave here a quote. Some days before finding this, I have written the same thing. Obviously, not so poetic and metaphorical...

“I think about dying but I don't want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.” —Matty Healy

First post

Hello everybody! This should be my first post. So I have to tell you what you'll find on this blog.

First of all, I have to tell you that English is not my mother tongue. I'm sorry for all the mistakes I'll make while writing. If you are a grammar nazi you can correct me if you want. I'll thank you :)

As my profile says, I'm interested in fine arts, fashion and Japan. Actually I want to study Graphic design and I hope I'll be admitted this year. I still have to graduate from highschool. I'm pretty sure you'll find a lot of bullshit on my blog, because my life is boring as fuck. But I'll try to make it as interesting as I can. I'll post some review of products I buy (rarely, because I'm poor and I don't buy things you could be interested). I'm vegetarian, so I think I'll share some of my recipes with you. Also I'll make reviews of movies/anime I watch. I'll make handmade things and I'm planning to sell some of them in the next future. I'll show you my drawing progress. I'll post all the things I think you'll be interested or not. And not to forget, I'll move soon by myself. So I'll let you know about the life of a student who tries not to die of hunger :))

I hope you'll enjoy spending your time here. Oh.. and leave me comments to see if I'm writing for myself. But even if I write for myself, I'll continue to do it because I have to improve my English :))

Thank you! ~~~ ^-^

Alexi