Summer time

Hi people! I'm finally free!! (Almost free). I had my graduation and I finished my exams last Friday. I'm still waiting to see the results. I also want to burn all my books and notebooks. I know I can recycle them and make a good thing, but I really need to set them on fire. I think I'll feel better. It's like burning all the pain and useless work away. Still trying to change myself... I can say it was an extremely hard time. It was almost impossible to study. Due to my depression it was almost impossible to concentrate. I tried a lot to memorize all the essays and math formulas. I almost gave up. I started to cry, learned two more words, screamed, drank tea, learned two other words and so on. I had an "existential" crisis. It was about my future. I went through horrible pain. Whenever I'm in really bad mood, my chest hurts like hell. I get dizzy and the entire world spins around. I also feel like a metal bar is going through an ear, smash my brain and get out on the other ear. I also can't breath. It's like I'm suffocating with my own pain. I just feel like I'm loosing myself. It's really hard to get back. Then I just "fuck it" and go to sleep.

Even if I finished with my exams, I still have the admission to university. It scares me a lot. I hope it will be ok.

I started to work again. I'm a part-time waitress. I work at weddings. Yesterday I went back to the hotel (I've worked there last summer). It was exhausting. I went there on Saturday at 8 AM and I arrived home on Sunday at 8 AM. I fell asleep in the bus on my way home. I took a 5-min shower and I went to bed. I set my alarm at 12 PM but I didn't heard the phone ringing. So I slept until 4:30 PM. I'm still tired though. Anyway... I'm trying to earn some money to go to the sea. I need a break away from home. At least just a weekend.

I think it's done for the moment.
Alexi~